I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
