"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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