Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
