70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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