I just pynch a tree in the face
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
