Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
