I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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