The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
