Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
