GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
