I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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