I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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