You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
