A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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