my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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