I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We had to coat check the pizza.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
