genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
