His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
