I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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