I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
