matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
