I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
