When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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