You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Let's get the cat blown out
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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