the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is the high leading the old right now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
