I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
