and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
