super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
