I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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