Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
