he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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