I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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