i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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