No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
