On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
