There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
