just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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