Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
