cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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