What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We have so much sex to catch up on
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
