happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
