He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
