im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
