I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
