My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
