Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just had sex on a roof
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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