I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When are your genitals available?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
