He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
