How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
