Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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