I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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